Spaulding Bogosian

Not as political as the Other A-Holes, but yet the kind of Funny Meanderings of a Jersey Guy

Monday, November 14, 2005

Men and Women, A Need to Know Basis


Why do men constantly say things like “I don’t understand women.” Is it because they really don’t understand women or is it that they just don’t relate to women. Granted, there are some really stupid guys out there who will forever and ever do the wrong thing when it comes to women. And it is for you, you ignorant bastards, who give the rest of us a bad name, that I am speaking to now. Some of you who thought they knew what was going on might reconsider your approach. And then there will be a ton of stubborn assholes that will laugh at the funny parts but consider it all a joke. Although funny at times I assure you this ain’t no joke.
What are men? Well I’ll tell you one thing, we are not from Mars. Let’s just say, we are kind of like a basic computer program. We know what we like and if you try to install a more sophisticated program on us, well, we’ll crash. We like to eat, sleep, fuck, and have our egos stroked. We like to wear nice clothes too but we don’t like trying stuff on. We enjoy television. Most men love to watch sports but it’s not a prerequisite, there are a ton who could give a shit if the Giants win on Sunday. We love to spend money on gadgets. Cool toys are definitely a driving force in us. For those of us that work hard and are really successful, getting into the Porsche at the end of the day is the reward.
Another forced that propels us through our day is our penis. The penis is kind of like a barometer of base desires. In men, base desires are what make us work. Let’s take Ronny (a made up guy). He plays lead guitar. Why? Some will say that they play on stage because it gives them a high. And yes, it is an adrenaline rush. But in the end it’s about the adoring fans screaming your name. It wouldn’t be the same if there were no people to hear you play. So it’s about being cool and having your ego stroked. Which in the end is about people loving you but you don’t have to give back all that love in return. Being a rock star or celebrity is a true win, win for a guy. You just have to stay cool and people will love you. Thousands of simultaneous relationships going on without any regard for other people’s emotions. Wow, just the thought of it makes me horney. Some guys will grow tired of groupies. They’ll end up settling down and having a few kids because it’s what they think they want, but it isn’t. If you’re a guy and have a thousand women (or men if your gay) willing to have sex with you daily, and this is sex on your terms, all about you, its people who have come to worship at the alter of your penis, tell me how a regular life stands a chance against that. You’re looking at five years tops and then its either affairs or divorce. Because it’s all about ego if you’re a guy. If anyone wants to see what men are truly capable of look at Wilt Chamberlain, 20,000 women, Gene Simmons also about 20,000 women. Now that’s pure unadulterated, high test, testosterone. And a major difference between men and women. If a woman had 20,000 sexual partners we’d say she’s damaged goods. Probably got molested as a child and is looking for love in all the wrong places. She’s a self-hating, misguided nymphomaniac. But when a guy hears that another guy has had thousands of women, we do the math to see if it’s possible, think about how many a day that would be and how generally cool it would be to be able to claim that title yourself, sort of right up there with hitting the most home runs in baseball.
But enough about rock stars they are too self obsessed to read this anyway. It’s is still about ego for all men. If you dress like a slob, and you’re over twenty, you’ve basically given up. When you meet someone who will pump up you ego, you feel better about yourself. You start caring about things. You develop your ego. It’s like a muscle, the more you work it the bigger and sexier it’ll get. True if you get too big an ego, other people are gonna think you’re an asshole. But you’re so arrogant by then you don’t give a shit. Most regular guys don’t have rock star egos. Usually only your Wall Street types who make half a million plus a year. Some how having all that money gives you the right to have sycophantic parasites that will forever pump you up. They smile while you pick up the tab and hope the money will just rub off on them. A lot of the way megalomaniacs act can be blamed on women. Women are always there to pump up an asshole and make him think, “Well she is hot and I got her, so I can’t be too bad.” Wrong you’re an asshole and she loves your money. Now I know a few Wall Street types and that not to say there aren’t nice guys out there, there are some. But you know the saying about nice guys.
So what about these women, what do they want? Every little girl plays dress up, sings and dances, want to be the bride because it’s the prettiest dress in the closet. And for most (not all) women it’s about being the prettiest and the center of attention. Why is it that the wedding day is the most important day of a young woman’s life. Is it because it’s the beginning of the most important relationship that will define the next fifty years? No! It’s because she gets to throw a forty thousand dollar party where she is the guest of honor. A party where she wears the most spectacular dress, is the most beautiful and everyone in the room can’t stop commenting on how beautiful she looks. This is also why the bride’s father throws the party. The groom, while fully aware of the spectacle, probably could have done with 100 friends and a few kegs. If he was really involved he might even throw together a really special mix tape.
Guys, women are not that complex. The ones that are or think they are, are psycho. These are the truly self-absorbed ones who shouldn’t be touched with ten foot poles, no matter how hot they are. But men, who invariably speak the language of the penis more clearly than English or any other language will always seek out style over substance. Just take a look at the two stereotypes. The unemployed rich divorcee, and the woman who has been married for 30 years. The rich divorcee is a bitch, she became one because the only talent she has is her looks and manipulating rich men. Sure she might have marketable skills but she doesn’t really care to use them. She married an asshole because they had so much in common. He married her because she set the trap but more so because she looked good on his arm. What’s more she knew that when she married him. Now, nobody can carry on a ruse for more than a few years, so, inevitably she shows what a bitch she really is because she grows to hate the fact that he ignores her to do all this high profile work that keeps her in the style she likes. She forgets that this is why she married him in the first place. Only back then she was so busy baiting the trap and hustling herself that she didn’t take the future into account, it all looked like fancy cars and country clubs. But now she’s been married for two years and she thinks because she’s got the time to sit around board, and think of all the ways he could be romantic, she has been gypped. She is getting sick of disappointment. She hates the fact that he says he’ll be home, she plans a dinner and then he calls in saying he has to work late again. Fair enough, that sucks, but how did you get there to begin with? Who exactly did you marry? She wants the driven A-type guy that would make millions. That’s what she groomed herself for. She couldn’t let her good looks and style go to waste doing laundry and dropping the kids off a school. He’s just being himself. A self absorbed asshole. Sooner or later they are cheating on each other. She is probably the first one to screw the tennis instructor or masseuse, because she is the one who feels board and ignored. He is the last one to know she is screwing around because basically, he’s very, very, busy. And look out, because rich guys like toys, and aside from cars and electronics, guns are numero uno. So there is always that chance that by the time he finds out, if he isn’t already screwing his secretary, (because lets face it he’s rich and there will always be women that worship that) there might be some bloodshed.
This folks is a fundamental issue that men have with women, the “I’m not a fucking mind reader problem”. Women live under the pretense that if the two of you are having a problem, and they have to tell you, then it’s already too late. Men are fixers by nature. “Is something wrong, just tell me so I can fix it?” As you might imagine there are inherent difficulties to the meshing of the two philosophies. Now, not all women are schemers and manipulators. There are a ton of nice girls out there. But all women need you to “BE THERE FOR THEM”. That’s why they get along so well with each other. Look at the girl crying in the ladies room, a complete stranger comes up to her and says, “What’s wrong?”. Now that’s all that woman has to say, and then she just has to stand there and let the crying girl blubber all over her about her man problems, or she lost her job or whatever. The point is she is there for the crying girl. Even better if the two women are in the same demographic, they are now best buddies. But here the kicker; the crying girl, who needed a shoulder because she had a tough day at the office, gets suddenly introspective and is now pissed at her husband because HE wasn’t there for her. Not that he has any idea. He’s going to come home tonight to a cold TV dinner (if she cooks) and have no clue what he did. Hence the phrase, “I don’t understand women”.
Fellas, this is not your fault, unless you’re by nature an uncaring bastard. Women won’t admit it because it would make them appear crazy, but they are capable of reorganizing their lives at a moments notice. The girl you woke up with this morning may read a book, take a yoga class or just listen to a friend’s problem, and it could trigger her evaluating her own life and your relationship. You come home to a completely different set of rules. What happened? You have no idea. How do you deal? O.K. I’m gonna tell you a secret. Don’t fight it. If you sense that there is something amiss don’t ask, “What’s wrong?”. First take a minute to get hold of your own emotions, go to the bathroom. Then when you come back sit down and make eye contact and ask her how her day was. And very important, while she’s talking, DON’T turn on the T.V. or pick up the paper. Don’t even skim the mail or look in the refrigerator. If you need a beer say “Honey can I get you a glass of wine?” and while you’re doing that get your beer. Try to focus on what she’s saying, and just listen without talking, because… you will be tested on it later.
What women don’t realize is that although all this Dr. Phil shit seems very healthy on the surface, it is, for the most part, alien to men. It takes a real effort to get into the habit of listening to what may seem to most men like the petty problems of others. Sure we love our ladies and want to be there for them, but fuck, they’re adults’ not little girls, sometime you just have to work it out. Men are more instinctual, they don’t dwell on the problem as much as try to resolve it. Men can sit there and say things like, “I don’t sit and bother her with all my day’s bullshit.” And that’s OK to feel that way because you’re a guy, and this is important, you’re right. But they have the pussy so they make the rules. So as a guy you’re never right. And if you make an argument that proves your right, woe is you, you’ve only made it worse. All that testosterone and logic is only gonna sink you deeper in the shit. It’s all about the love. It’s high maintenance sure but you need to ask yourself if it’s worth it. And if it is, you need to learn the dance steps. If it’s not cut your losses and move on, life is to short to put up with someone else’s shit if you don’t love and care about them. And that goes for the ladies too.

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2 Comments:

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  • At 4:38 PM, Blogger Jeff G said…

    Now here is a very intellegent girl who apparently knows how to kiss really good.

     

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