Spaulding Bogosian

Not as political as the Other A-Holes, but yet the kind of Funny Meanderings of a Jersey Guy

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Why Canada Sucks

I'm an American. One thing you can say about Americans is; They are never prouder to be Americans than they are when they're in another country. I lived in Europe, Italy specifically, for a year when I was in college. It was difficult getting used to the things you took for granted not being around. Driers for example. I don't know how to use a clothesline, and frankly, I don't want to know. Showers is another. Why is it so difficult to get hot and cold water to come out of the same faucet creating what we like to call in America, warm? Even when visiting England I discovered those ingenious Brits had invented a rubber nozzle that you attached to the hot and cold faucets. I had to knock on the next apartment over to see if Ralph and Alice were still living there. And even if you had the hot and cold coming out of the same faucet, you have a tank roughly the size of a propane tank to take your bath. No wonder most Europeans only bath 2 or 3 times a week. Its just not satisfying. And while we are on the subject of bathrooms, what's with the tile room with a hole in the floor. I imagined it was supposed to be some type of toilet, but no seat, no paper and no water. Just a stinky hole. Very frightening. When I went to Europe to live it was an adventure. As a single male abroad, I wasn't as concerned with the creature comforts. Now I am in my forties, married, with kids. I'm concerned.
When George Bush was elected president for the second term, most intelligent people threw up they're hands in disgust. I was one of them. He had conned the American public, or at least 51% of them, into thinking that they started something with this guy and they needed to let him see it through. Others predicted that he would go down in history as the worst U.S. president ever, and I agreed. Some alarmist folk threatened to move to Canada if he was elected. So many in fact that I'm sure that some must have, just for that reason. The romantic notion appealed to my adventurous side. I'd been to Vancouver, Montreal, Quebec City, New Foundland and Toronto and as a visitor I saw very little outward difference from the states. I even thought the speaking of french made it more exotic. But in reality I would never have gone through with it. But life has surprises.
My wife had been interviewing for a new job through the summer of 2005 and had received several offers. One of which was in Toronto. It stood out among the others for salary and position. Being the type of people we were, we were not intimidated by the thought of moving. Actually, the idea of a short stint in another county was exciting and we were even able to get the children excited. They are young and were younger then so getting them excited was as easy as acting excited.
So now here we are living in Toronto. I'll start with what is good. It's a clean city and tries hard to be even cleaner than it is. It's a pretty city, especially when viewed from the island just off the waterfront. It has lots of stuff to do and the Zoo is world class. O.K. we're done. America is the greatest country on the planet for many reasons. The one that they list ad nauseum is the “American Dream” scenario, where you come from Bangladesh and end up a millionaire with a string of cabs. But I believe that the reason that America is great is the retailer's oath, five words, “The customer is always right.” Now some people in the U.S. may claim that they have had bad experiences with customer service, but that's not the same thing. Any one can be an idiot, but that's on the individual. The U.S. is designed to be user friendly. This may seem like a fantastical notion but the truth is when a customer walks into a store or a restaurant and they as for something, even if it's not standard, they get it. This makes the customer happy and in-turn, his reviews to those people who enquire about an establishment are friendly and positive.
I don't know about the rest of Canada but Toronto sucks to live in. And the reason it's not a great place to live is that it's not user friendly. Traffic is awful. Which is true of a lot of U.S. cities. But traffic in Toronto is awful because it seems like nobody cares about the drivers. The words common sense don't spring to mind while I wait at the HUNDREDS of non working left turn arrows through out this city. Forcing at least five cars at a time to run a red light so they can make the turn. The arbitrary “between the hours of 4 p.m. and 6 p.m.”, you can't go right left or straight. I see this making sense concerning a school for obvious reasons, but to many of these signs are just meaningless. I live in a residential neighborhood and they just decided one day to put up no parking signs. Now if I need to leave my car on the street for even an hour I get a ticket. While, on Lawrence Avenue for example, a major through street, you can park DURING RUSH HOUR. Now I may be totally out of line here, but not allowing parking until rush hour, and then when the streets are at their most crowded force the traffic down to one lane seems utterly backward. And that's just getting from point A to point B. And as far as the moronic robots that work for the parking authority who remember the pictures in the paper after a storm of the dunces ticketing a car with a tree on top of it.
What is with the service people in this town? It really seems like their on some kind of power kick and enjoy being rude and senselessly unaccommodating. I can only sight examples of rudeness so irrational that it's a brand you would never witness in the States, because it appears to be policy. My 4 year old child was told after waiting 45 minutes in line at Canada's Wonderland Amusement Park, that if he didn't settle down he would be asked to leave the line. He made the mistake of putting his hands on the gate that separates the lines. I used to live in Chicago and really enjoyed the trip to Second City Comedy Club once in a while. So when I got tickets in Toronto I was excited. But no exaggeration I have never seen a bigger bunch of power trippy a-holes than the wait-staff down at Second City Toronto. I was actually told by one after I went through two sets of double doors and walked into the lobby to take a phone call from my son (the phone was on vibrate), that she wanted to confiscate my phone. When I refused, she informed me that she'd be keeping an eye on me. I mean what a set on these people. And I won't bore you with the other waitress who obviously overdosed my cocktail with Triple sec because I wanted to eliminate some of the 10 chairs they had surrounding the table the size of a phonograph record. The place was half full and as usual it would have meant nothing at all for them to accommodate the whims of 4 of us but they just wouldn't. It became a pissing match between the wait-staff and us. What a senseless display of unprofessional ism. I don't understand the logic in it and I never will.
Another time I was privileged to be able to frequent Druxy's Famous Deli in the entertainment district. I'm originally from New York (real N.Y. not Buffalo, NY) so I know a bit about Deli. They have pretty good Deli here in Toronto, good Corned Beef. All around good quality meat at most places. But again they ruin it by not catering to the customer. Druxy's offers several sandwiches that pile numerous ingredients on top. So they offer several combination sandwiches. But ask for a simple combination of two meats and it cannot be done. I was given the option of ordering a deli platter with like 3 pounds of meat on it and they'll bring you bread on the side, so that you can make your own sandwich. But ask for Corned beef and Pastrami on a roll and they smile at you while they tell how how sorry they are that you can't be accommodated. I don't think they are sorry at all. In any of these places. St. Louis Ribs won't split a double order into 2 kinds of sauce for your wings. They essentially want to charge you an extra $3 for an extra piece of tinfoil so that they can call it two orders. Most places won't even think about an egg white omelet. The service people are so quick to say no to you that there is no denying they like the power. Why? On the surface these offenses may seem minor. But when you in a city that is very expensive to live in, and obviously prides itself on being a world class city, why would you consistently treat your meal tickets this way.
This is why America is a great country. Not the ability to create a fabulous life with nothing but hard work. That's good too. But the ability to get what you want, how you want it, whenever you want it. This is why even with a moron like George W. Bush at the helm, the U.S.A. is still 100 times the country Canada is. This is why CANADA SUCKS! Because they have the things you want, but whether its poor management, poor staffing, or a monkey for a city planner, they manage to screw it up before it gets to you. How do you have a city with 17 Chinatowns and still have crappy Chinese food? That's like having a beautiful island surrounded by beaches that no one can swim in because the water is too polluted. Oh yeah, that's Toronto Island. It makes no sense.
A Blogger by the name of Bob O Wrinkly wrote this also which is kind of funny and I couldn't agree more:

You know what sucks? I'll tell you what sucks: Canada.
I'm mad as hell about Canada and I don't have to take it. Guess who liked Canada: Hitler. And I may not have any evidence to back this up, but trust me. It's true.

Canadian flag

Why do I hate Canada so much? I'll tell you. I have seven reasons that will make whiny liberals quiver in their faux-fur lined boots.

Canada is cold.
Real cold. Too cold for anyone sensible.

But Canadians should prepare for warmer temperatures, since those Godless socialist pinko cowards will suffer an eternity in Hell.

The metric system.
Those Canadians practically invented this "metric" system bullshit. Somehow it's like inches and feet, only it doesn't make any damn sense. And kilometers? Don't even get me started on those.

Next thing you know they'll have metric months, metric dollar bills, and women will have metric breasts. Where will the madness end?

Canada gained independence from England in 1982.
1982! Can you believe that? Practically yesterday. We told those British popinjays to take a hike over 200 years before those lazy Canucks got around to it.

And guess who still has the queen on their currency? I'll give you a hint: Canada.

Rich people must pay for health care for lazy bums.
Imagine being coerced into paying for health care for undserving lazy scaramouches who sit on the street corner day after day, chugging down a 40oz Mickeys before noon.

Those cretins don't deserve a nickel, let alone expensive medical treatment paid for by wealthy, upstanding members of society.

Fact: If you're poor, it's entirely your damn fault -- and you deserve a short miserable life of pain and suffering.

They have oil.
Come on, Canada. Give us your damn oil. Who do you think makes your cars, anyway? Manitoba isn't exactly Detroit, if you know what I mean.

Don't make us go Iraq on your ass. We'll do it.

I'm serious.
(Spaulding's comment: Gas in Canada still averages a dollar more than the U.S.)

They speak French.
Okay, I know what you're going to say. "But O Wrinkly, only Canadians in Quebec speak French!"

Well be that as it may, Canadians still write in French all over the damn place. Street signs, documents, businesses...

If I ever saw a coffee shop with a sign that said "ferme" in the window instead of "closed," I'd blow that place up before those Satan-worshiping French terrorists spread their hate any further.

Draft dodgers.
And this is the big one. Where do you think those America-hating draft dodgers run off to when the going gets tough?

You're damn right they go to that God-forsaken hellhole known as Canada. Look, we're making the world safe for you hippie clinchpoops, so show some damn respect.

There you have it folks -- seven indesputible reasons Canada sucks. Of course, everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. But if it's different than mine, it's wrong.

Because I said so.

Spaulding says:

I like to add to the reasons Canada Sucks list.

1. Celine Deion- What is the national obsession with this poor man's Barbara Streisand?

2. Canadian Football- The WNBA is a more respectable sports organization. Not even the Canadians care.

3. Military Time - Whats the reason for it. Are we going on a mission?

4. How can a country that is always claiming how violent the U.S. is, have Hockey as a national sport. I mean what exactly is the rule about fighting anyway. Is it allowed? Is it a penalty?

5. The proof is in the pudding. People are moving away in droves. they actually have an open door policy to all immigrants because they need them to boost tax revenue.

6. PST and GST together account for 15% sales tax on everything you buy. Taxes suck here. Yes you can get a cuban cigar, but with the taxes it costs $35 a piece.

and lastly as my friend Bob already stated;

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