Spaulding Bogosian

Not as political as the Other A-Holes, but yet the kind of Funny Meanderings of a Jersey Guy

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Dirty Sanchez

Many of you have heard various terms that elude to heinous and humorous sex acts. For you benefit I thought I put them all in one place so that you have a quick reference guide.

Dirty Sanchez

A Dirty Sanchez is a sexual situation where a man is laying some pipe doggy-style, and while in the midst of sex he inserts his finger in the woman's starfish and then smears his finger across her upper lip, giving her a thin shit moustache. This is the Dirty Sanchez.

That bitch was so skanky, she didn't even mind that I gave her a dirty Sanchez!

Cleveland Steamer

A Cleveland Steamer is one of two acts that are similar for the scatalogically inclined. One is a crude sex act the other a crude break up technique. Both are the same thing.

1. You take a dump on a lovers chest while or before titty fucking (if that partner is a female.) Generally for the cacaphile only or as a domination and humiliation tool in BDSM games. See also Brown Showers. The steamer part is that it is very probably steaming from the freshness (Moisture rising from it) not to do with "steamrolling" it. Then it would have been called a "Cleveland Steamroller". It is probably named after Cleveland (Lucky us Clevelanders) because of the brown stripe left behind resembling the brown stripe on the orange Cleveland Browns Football Helmet. If you squish it down and then you spooge on it for syrup it becomes a "Boston Pancake". Don't know the origin of Boston in refernce to that act.

2. Often used as a breakup technique for angry lovers to wait till the other is asleep and dumping on their chest and leaving them to wake in it the morning after. Point made. Sexual intercourse isn't necessary beforehand technically. It is only for extra points with your pals since you obviously are only pretending to be making up and having sex to achieve this goal and are tricking the other person to get even. Usually done without knowledge of the victim if the "pooper" wants to escape alive.

Tom wanted to break up with Sally after their last fight and he made his point to her by dropping her a Cleveland Steamer and leaving the bedroom.

Boston Pancake

When you shit on a girl's (or guy's I guess) chest. This the supposed pancake. And everyone likes their pancakes with syrup, so you jizz on the shit. The jizz is key, without it, you are performing a Cleveland Steamer. I'm not sure where the change from Cleveland to Boston takes place, but it's somewhere between the cum leaving the penis and landing on the shit.

My bitch forgot to clean up the Boston Pancake I made last night, but at least I didn't have to make my own breakfast.

Alabama Hot Pocket

The Alabama Hot Pocket is a special fetish maneuver that roughly involves taking a shit into a woman's vagina, typically followed up by a good ole fuckin'. The term "Alabama" originated from a lesser known, but crucial additional practice that involves "Porky Piggin'" the female who has recieved the Hot Pocket. In Alabama, you see, good old redneck boys, when bored, would fuck pig troughs or large, wet piles of mud. To properly perform the Porky Piggin' follow-up procedure, one must take a massive shit onto the vagina WITHOUT spreading the lips. This creates a core that enters the woman, and then dregs that explode out all over her. By randomly stabbing with the cock, one will successfully Porky Piggin' the girl... repeating, naturally, the action that would normally be associated with screwing a pile of mud or animal trough.

Yeah boy, I gave her a good ole Alabama Hot Pocket. What? No shit I Porky Piggin'd that shit.

Rusty Trombone

The act of performing anal cunnilingus while reaching up above the testicles to manually administer quick up and down motions to the penile shaft; resulting in a violent yet pleasant explosion. It is then customary for the female to then give a quick blow into the anus for good luck, the lips blowing into the anus sounds very similar to a trombones sweet melody. This was introduced to the Americas in the late 50's.

While receiving a rusty trombone I lost control of my bowels.

Hot Carl

Proceeding to the act of hot-karling involves one of the following:

1. Any part of sex in which faeces from one partner is found on the other, regardless of the technique. NOTE: the action of defecating on one's self may not be regarded as a "hot karl" but rather as "soiling yourself".

2. A form of assault in which the assailant proceeds to fill a tube sock with his own feces, ready to engage in fierce guerrilla.

1. While you were sleeping, I snuck into your sister's room and hot-karled her.

2. Brandon is such a moron, let's hot-karl him after school today.

Angry Dragon

Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

I gave your mom an angry dragon last night!

Angry Pirate

The act of receiving oral sex while standing up right, ending with the reciever not only shooting his sperm rocket into one of the giver's eyes, but also kicking the giver in one of his/her shins, thereby hindering the giver with a "peg leg" and a defunct eye.

dude,i gave your sister an angry pirate, and thats why she's limping a little...(don't ask why she's walking like she has a stick up her ass... thats a whole different story dude.)

Donkey Punch

The Donkey Punch is when your engaged in anal sex and when your about to ejaculate you punch the poor little lady in the back of the head so her anal cavity tightens making the orgasm all that more better (for you of course).

I donkey punched Meredith last night, and It was awesome

Tony Danza

When you are giving it to a chick from behind, you yell out "Who's the boss?" She'll get confused, turn her head around, at this moment, you donkey punch her in the face and then scream TONY DANZA!!!

Oh man, I totally powned Kenny's mom last week when I gave her a Tony Danza.


The delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump.

Morty made frequent trips to the office restroom, but never when the janitor who calls Costa Rica is there, because that janitor like to give Blumpkins.


A variation of the blumpkin where a woman receives cunnilingus while she is defocating. This can be intentional or accidental.

Note: For bonus points and so both parties walk away a winner, the cunnilingor can position their own body during a cunnilumpkin to get Hot-Karl on the pecs.

Intentional: Busy Linda preferred the cunnilumpkin to regular oral sex since it accomplished two things at once....just as long as they did it at the bus station so she could just leave her shit smeared all over the seat cushions.

Accidental: Ed was really doing a good job down there and Eva was starting to peak at her orgasm. Ed had all he could do to keep her from squirming off the bed so he squeezed her hips tighter, and that's when it happened. The uninvited cunnilumpkin had ruined the sheets and both of their evening plans.

Strawberry Shortcake

The action in which the male ejaculates on his partner's face, and then the male punches his partner's nose, which causes blood to stream forth. The semen and blood fluids create a red and white image, just like the icing and filling of a strawberry shortcake.

I just gave my girlfriend a strawberry shortcake.

Pink Sock

This is the result of excessive anal plundering; the intestines actually exit through the anus, forming a dangling mass, resembling a pink sock.

When I left prison, I had a pink sock the size of Texas.

Birmingham Booty Call

Put your woman's cell phone on vibrate, stick it up her ass, and as you are having sex, call her phone, have her shit it out, answer it, and talk dirty to you as you cum on her face.

I met this freak bitch in Alabama, and she introduced me to the Birmingham booty call.

Rusty Trumpet

1. the female version of the rusty trombone
2. to eat the ass of a woman while reaching around and fiddling with her special place (especially with several fingers, simulating a trumpet)

I gave your mother a rusty trumpet.
She loved it.

Newnan Burrito

Wrap your cock in a tortilla and fill the tortilla with whatever a normal burrito would have (sour cream, cheese, maybe hot sauce) and then start having anal sex. Before you cum, you stick the newnan burrito in the woman's mouth, giving the taste of cock and burrito.

Mary kept asking me for mexican food last night, so i gave her a newnan burrito.

Hot Lips Houlahan

Before you have sex with a woman, put tabasco sauce on the OUTSIDE of the condom, her pussy lips will be on fire in no time. If you want to cool the burn, pull out and hose it down. (this may also work for BJs.)

My woman is always bragging that she enjoys spicy foods, but she couldn't handle the Hot Lips Houlahan.

Abe Lincoln

When an unconscious person gets jizzed on their face, gets their pubes cut and applied to their face to form a beard, then adorned with a top hat.

The last time a gang of transsexuals Abe Lincolned Stump, he was picking various shades of pubes from his teeth for a week!

Cincinnati Bowtie

When you reverse titty-fuck a girl. So your balls and cock are upside-down and it looks like she is wearing a fleshy bow-tie. It's called "Cincinnati" because they do everything backwards there.

My bitch was complaining all night because I kept ramming my anus into her nose, but dang, I was really in the mood for a Cincinnati bowtie

Alligator Fuckhouse

A daring sexual maneuver: Mid-coitus, one person bites the neck of the other, locks their arms and legs down and goes into a deathroll, all while maintaining insertion. Like downshifting a car!

Sally: "Last night Johnny surprised me with an Alligator Fuckhouse, and I came for an hour and a half! I think the bite might have left a scar though..."

Dirty Gas Pump

starting off with simple tea-bagging, making sure that her nose is between your ass cheeks, and as she is jacking you off, you fart as much as possible.

I know she wants a dirty gas pump when she insists on paying at the local Mexican restaurant.

Ride the Bull

To have doggy sex with a woman and have people in your closet with cameras jump out. Your partner will then attempt to get away. The point of riding the bull is to see how long you can keep your dick in her. But beware, she may make an awkward turn and could bend your dick.

I will ride the bull tonight in an attempt to smash my record of 30 seconds.

Tea Bag

(v). To lower your body as to dip the testicles into her mouth as the woman is tonguing the scrotum.

Hey man, you should have seen the look on that bitches face when I tea bagged her.

Glass Bottom Boat

A sexual act in which the customer lays under a glass coffee table and looks up through it, while their partner defecates on the top. How some people find this stimulating I'll never know.

Also can refer to the same positioning with a coffee table but the person on top merely presses their genitals onto the glass, for "squashed" visual effect - or can refer to defecating onto some one's face which has been first covered in plastic kitchen wrap like Saran Wrap.

Your grandfather got arrested in Thailand again after paying an underage transvestite hooker for some ]glass bottom boat] action.

Jonah and the Whale

When a male inserts his erect penis into the mouth of another and then cums in the asshole of the same person. Then that person farts the semen out of the asshole so it looks like a blowhole.

Jane an Bob went home after a couple of drinks and performed, Jonah and the Whale.

Dump Truck

tucking the cock and balls between the legs and proceeding to ejaculate in the female's mouth while backing up and dropping a steamy load on her chest making crazy beeping noises like a dump truck

"Beep Beep Beep," said Little Eugene as he dropped a killer deuce all over Molly and her twin sister. "Now THAT's what I call a dump truck!"

New Delhi Dot

After anal sex, poke your partner right between the eyes with your fecal covered cock. If you do it correctly, it should leave a "shit dot" similar to that worn by Hindus.

I gave Pradip a New Delhi Dot to cover the red one.

Rotten Oyster

When a man is having sex with a woman that has a foul smelling/tasting vagina, and right before you cum you pull out, stick your dick in her mouth so she can taste her nasty vagina and cum in her mouth.

I was giving a woman oral sex and decided she needed a rotten oyster, so that she could taste what I tasted.

Golden Shower

The act of urinating on another person, usually for sexual gratification, or as a way of humiliation. More common than a Golden bath, where, during anal sex, one partner urinates into the colon of the other.

Do you need me to give you a golden bath?

Hot Lunch

the act of shitting in clingfilm stretched over someones open mouth then fucking the mouth and at the point of ejaculation bursting through the clingfilm giving the recipient a mouthful of shit and spunk

got any food wrap dear ?i fancy giving a hot lunch

Space Docking

The act of defecating directly into one's vagina. Like a space ship attempting to dock to a space station, "space docking" involves very accurate control and near-perfect alignment of the two orifices.

"Hey baby, want to try space docking tonight?"


As a man reaches climax whilst in the "doggie style" position, the man pulls out and spits on their partner's back, fooling them into thinking that he has ejaculated, however, when their partner turns around, the man lets loose his baby yogurt in his partner's face.

I took my weenie and pulled a Houdini in her eye, then she cried.

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Why Canada Sucks

I'm an American. One thing you can say about Americans is; They are never prouder to be Americans than they are when they're in another country. I lived in Europe, Italy specifically, for a year when I was in college. It was difficult getting used to the things you took for granted not being around. Driers for example. I don't know how to use a clothesline, and frankly, I don't want to know. Showers is another. Why is it so difficult to get hot and cold water to come out of the same faucet creating what we like to call in America, warm? Even when visiting England I discovered those ingenious Brits had invented a rubber nozzle that you attached to the hot and cold faucets. I had to knock on the next apartment over to see if Ralph and Alice were still living there. And even if you had the hot and cold coming out of the same faucet, you have a tank roughly the size of a propane tank to take your bath. No wonder most Europeans only bath 2 or 3 times a week. Its just not satisfying. And while we are on the subject of bathrooms, what's with the tile room with a hole in the floor. I imagined it was supposed to be some type of toilet, but no seat, no paper and no water. Just a stinky hole. Very frightening. When I went to Europe to live it was an adventure. As a single male abroad, I wasn't as concerned with the creature comforts. Now I am in my forties, married, with kids. I'm concerned.
When George Bush was elected president for the second term, most intelligent people threw up they're hands in disgust. I was one of them. He had conned the American public, or at least 51% of them, into thinking that they started something with this guy and they needed to let him see it through. Others predicted that he would go down in history as the worst U.S. president ever, and I agreed. Some alarmist folk threatened to move to Canada if he was elected. So many in fact that I'm sure that some must have, just for that reason. The romantic notion appealed to my adventurous side. I'd been to Vancouver, Montreal, Quebec City, New Foundland and Toronto and as a visitor I saw very little outward difference from the states. I even thought the speaking of french made it more exotic. But in reality I would never have gone through with it. But life has surprises.
My wife had been interviewing for a new job through the summer of 2005 and had received several offers. One of which was in Toronto. It stood out among the others for salary and position. Being the type of people we were, we were not intimidated by the thought of moving. Actually, the idea of a short stint in another county was exciting and we were even able to get the children excited. They are young and were younger then so getting them excited was as easy as acting excited.
So now here we are living in Toronto. I'll start with what is good. It's a clean city and tries hard to be even cleaner than it is. It's a pretty city, especially when viewed from the island just off the waterfront. It has lots of stuff to do and the Zoo is world class. O.K. we're done. America is the greatest country on the planet for many reasons. The one that they list ad nauseum is the “American Dream” scenario, where you come from Bangladesh and end up a millionaire with a string of cabs. But I believe that the reason that America is great is the retailer's oath, five words, “The customer is always right.” Now some people in the U.S. may claim that they have had bad experiences with customer service, but that's not the same thing. Any one can be an idiot, but that's on the individual. The U.S. is designed to be user friendly. This may seem like a fantastical notion but the truth is when a customer walks into a store or a restaurant and they as for something, even if it's not standard, they get it. This makes the customer happy and in-turn, his reviews to those people who enquire about an establishment are friendly and positive.
I don't know about the rest of Canada but Toronto sucks to live in. And the reason it's not a great place to live is that it's not user friendly. Traffic is awful. Which is true of a lot of U.S. cities. But traffic in Toronto is awful because it seems like nobody cares about the drivers. The words common sense don't spring to mind while I wait at the HUNDREDS of non working left turn arrows through out this city. Forcing at least five cars at a time to run a red light so they can make the turn. The arbitrary “between the hours of 4 p.m. and 6 p.m.”, you can't go right left or straight. I see this making sense concerning a school for obvious reasons, but to many of these signs are just meaningless. I live in a residential neighborhood and they just decided one day to put up no parking signs. Now if I need to leave my car on the street for even an hour I get a ticket. While, on Lawrence Avenue for example, a major through street, you can park DURING RUSH HOUR. Now I may be totally out of line here, but not allowing parking until rush hour, and then when the streets are at their most crowded force the traffic down to one lane seems utterly backward. And that's just getting from point A to point B. And as far as the moronic robots that work for the parking authority who remember the pictures in the paper after a storm of the dunces ticketing a car with a tree on top of it.
What is with the service people in this town? It really seems like their on some kind of power kick and enjoy being rude and senselessly unaccommodating. I can only sight examples of rudeness so irrational that it's a brand you would never witness in the States, because it appears to be policy. My 4 year old child was told after waiting 45 minutes in line at Canada's Wonderland Amusement Park, that if he didn't settle down he would be asked to leave the line. He made the mistake of putting his hands on the gate that separates the lines. I used to live in Chicago and really enjoyed the trip to Second City Comedy Club once in a while. So when I got tickets in Toronto I was excited. But no exaggeration I have never seen a bigger bunch of power trippy a-holes than the wait-staff down at Second City Toronto. I was actually told by one after I went through two sets of double doors and walked into the lobby to take a phone call from my son (the phone was on vibrate), that she wanted to confiscate my phone. When I refused, she informed me that she'd be keeping an eye on me. I mean what a set on these people. And I won't bore you with the other waitress who obviously overdosed my cocktail with Triple sec because I wanted to eliminate some of the 10 chairs they had surrounding the table the size of a phonograph record. The place was half full and as usual it would have meant nothing at all for them to accommodate the whims of 4 of us but they just wouldn't. It became a pissing match between the wait-staff and us. What a senseless display of unprofessional ism. I don't understand the logic in it and I never will.
Another time I was privileged to be able to frequent Druxy's Famous Deli in the entertainment district. I'm originally from New York (real N.Y. not Buffalo, NY) so I know a bit about Deli. They have pretty good Deli here in Toronto, good Corned Beef. All around good quality meat at most places. But again they ruin it by not catering to the customer. Druxy's offers several sandwiches that pile numerous ingredients on top. So they offer several combination sandwiches. But ask for a simple combination of two meats and it cannot be done. I was given the option of ordering a deli platter with like 3 pounds of meat on it and they'll bring you bread on the side, so that you can make your own sandwich. But ask for Corned beef and Pastrami on a roll and they smile at you while they tell how how sorry they are that you can't be accommodated. I don't think they are sorry at all. In any of these places. St. Louis Ribs won't split a double order into 2 kinds of sauce for your wings. They essentially want to charge you an extra $3 for an extra piece of tinfoil so that they can call it two orders. Most places won't even think about an egg white omelet. The service people are so quick to say no to you that there is no denying they like the power. Why? On the surface these offenses may seem minor. But when you in a city that is very expensive to live in, and obviously prides itself on being a world class city, why would you consistently treat your meal tickets this way.
This is why America is a great country. Not the ability to create a fabulous life with nothing but hard work. That's good too. But the ability to get what you want, how you want it, whenever you want it. This is why even with a moron like George W. Bush at the helm, the U.S.A. is still 100 times the country Canada is. This is why CANADA SUCKS! Because they have the things you want, but whether its poor management, poor staffing, or a monkey for a city planner, they manage to screw it up before it gets to you. How do you have a city with 17 Chinatowns and still have crappy Chinese food? That's like having a beautiful island surrounded by beaches that no one can swim in because the water is too polluted. Oh yeah, that's Toronto Island. It makes no sense.
A Blogger by the name of Bob O Wrinkly wrote this also which is kind of funny and I couldn't agree more:

You know what sucks? I'll tell you what sucks: Canada.
I'm mad as hell about Canada and I don't have to take it. Guess who liked Canada: Hitler. And I may not have any evidence to back this up, but trust me. It's true.

Canadian flag

Why do I hate Canada so much? I'll tell you. I have seven reasons that will make whiny liberals quiver in their faux-fur lined boots.

Canada is cold.
Real cold. Too cold for anyone sensible.

But Canadians should prepare for warmer temperatures, since those Godless socialist pinko cowards will suffer an eternity in Hell.

The metric system.
Those Canadians practically invented this "metric" system bullshit. Somehow it's like inches and feet, only it doesn't make any damn sense. And kilometers? Don't even get me started on those.

Next thing you know they'll have metric months, metric dollar bills, and women will have metric breasts. Where will the madness end?

Canada gained independence from England in 1982.
1982! Can you believe that? Practically yesterday. We told those British popinjays to take a hike over 200 years before those lazy Canucks got around to it.

And guess who still has the queen on their currency? I'll give you a hint: Canada.

Rich people must pay for health care for lazy bums.
Imagine being coerced into paying for health care for undserving lazy scaramouches who sit on the street corner day after day, chugging down a 40oz Mickeys before noon.

Those cretins don't deserve a nickel, let alone expensive medical treatment paid for by wealthy, upstanding members of society.

Fact: If you're poor, it's entirely your damn fault -- and you deserve a short miserable life of pain and suffering.

They have oil.
Come on, Canada. Give us your damn oil. Who do you think makes your cars, anyway? Manitoba isn't exactly Detroit, if you know what I mean.

Don't make us go Iraq on your ass. We'll do it.

I'm serious.
(Spaulding's comment: Gas in Canada still averages a dollar more than the U.S.)

They speak French.
Okay, I know what you're going to say. "But O Wrinkly, only Canadians in Quebec speak French!"

Well be that as it may, Canadians still write in French all over the damn place. Street signs, documents, businesses...

If I ever saw a coffee shop with a sign that said "ferme" in the window instead of "closed," I'd blow that place up before those Satan-worshiping French terrorists spread their hate any further.

Draft dodgers.
And this is the big one. Where do you think those America-hating draft dodgers run off to when the going gets tough?

You're damn right they go to that God-forsaken hellhole known as Canada. Look, we're making the world safe for you hippie clinchpoops, so show some damn respect.

There you have it folks -- seven indesputible reasons Canada sucks. Of course, everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. But if it's different than mine, it's wrong.

Because I said so.

Spaulding says:

I like to add to the reasons Canada Sucks list.

1. Celine Deion- What is the national obsession with this poor man's Barbara Streisand?

2. Canadian Football- The WNBA is a more respectable sports organization. Not even the Canadians care.

3. Military Time - Whats the reason for it. Are we going on a mission?

4. How can a country that is always claiming how violent the U.S. is, have Hockey as a national sport. I mean what exactly is the rule about fighting anyway. Is it allowed? Is it a penalty?

5. The proof is in the pudding. People are moving away in droves. they actually have an open door policy to all immigrants because they need them to boost tax revenue.

6. PST and GST together account for 15% sales tax on everything you buy. Taxes suck here. Yes you can get a cuban cigar, but with the taxes it costs $35 a piece.

and lastly as my friend Bob already stated;

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