Spaulding Bogosian

Not as political as the Other A-Holes, but yet the kind of Funny Meanderings of a Jersey Guy

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

All Hail Vagina!

I have a friend of mine that lives in California she is 41. She calls me sometimes, and tells me how this guy she’s screwing tickles her here, and another guy likes her to piss on him. So I know women over 40 get sex. But it’s all good, although I’d like my wife to borrow her sex drive for one day. OK maybe a weekend. If women only knew how horny men were then they might try harder to please us. Either that or they would be so totally repulsed that they would run screaming. Honestly nature has dealt women the perfect hand; they have a monopoly on vagina, zero competition. You don’t have to travel back that far in history to find the time where women were shit on. They didn’t even get the vote until like 1928 or something. If there was anything, and I mean anything else in the animal kingdom that had lets say, the brain of a yak but looked like Scarlet Johansson, women would be out of business. Men would be like, “Yeah she chew’s her own cud, but just look at her.” Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, she’s my best friend, but if a thousand years ago men discovered some creature on an island that we found attractive and it didn’t appear that we screwing sheep, it would be a whole nuther story. Or if we lived in a solar system where we mingled with alien races, some of which happen to have “magic alien vaginas”, well depending on where women stood in the food chain when men discovered this, they might not be CEO’s today. To my knowledge there is no force on the planet more powerful than the vagina. But who knows, robot poon might be just around the corner.

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Monday, September 12, 2005

So you want to be a "Stay-at-Home-Dad"?

My wife in an important executive and I maintain myself an artist and stay at home dad. Being a stay at home dad is an interesting paradox. You can be proud and sensitive in front of the other moms, but you won’t associate with any other stay at home dads. Also with the wife it’s difficult. Other moms can manipulate their spouses in the way most women are able to manipulate men. They can order them around, treat them like children and generally demand they acquiesce to their needs. Case in point; Mom gets up with the children at seven a.m., dresses them fixes breakfast, gets them ready for the day and then proceeds to be part chauffer, part referee, part disciplinarian, a whole lot of house keeper and chef. All the while, she is taking care of running the house, making sure bills are paid, scheduling doctor and other appointments and last but not least keeping the fridge filled with groceries. God forbid there shouldn’t be milk for coffee in the morning. Oh by the way, mom went to college and wonders why and if she’ll ever get any use out of the MBA on the wall. Now, Dad comes home at seven-fifteen (if she’s lucky). And he left the house at six a.m. because he has to be in New York City by eight thirty. He worked hard all day merging corporations and having high powered meetings. But the minute he comes through the door he gets handed a child with a dirty diaper and gets told the kids need baths. Mom is wiped and she’s meeting Estelle at the local pub for a drink. Bye Daddy. (F.U. Daddy). And Daddy because he’s a man and only because he’s a man says, “O.K. honey see you later. Have fun.” Now I’ve been on both sides of the coin and I have to say being a mom is a lot more challenging. While sitting in meetings all day and having high powered lunches is mentally taxing. It will never strip you of the will to live like a rough day with three small children. Stay at home dad’s kind of have the worst of both worlds. While being completely in charge of the family and running the daily household, they’re still are treated like wayward children, second guessed on their decisions and generally told what to do by the mom, whose not really there all that much . And weekends are no longer made for Michelob. The wife still runs the show, sleeps late, and goes to get the nails done or the beauty parlor. I mean, excuse me for not being more high maintenance. The worst part is, is that I almost enjoy my family’s dependence on me. It’s nice to be needed. But historically men are never right in any confrontation with women, and that doesn’t change when the man assumes the typically female role. I am generally a happy guy though. A regular guy. Balding, slightly overweight with regular guy needs. So the hope is that all this sensitivity and doting will translate into more sex. Not the case, but after eleven years of marriage I guess I get an average amount. True the Mrs. could be hornier, but I live well, so I guess it’s a tradeoff.

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